6 of the world’s most absurdly useless kitchen appliances

September 25th, 2012

Appliance Talk

Too little clutter in your life? Acres of unutilised kitchen bench space? Surrounded by a surplus of empty shelves?

Suffer no more! Here are some appliances that you’re guaranteed to use only once before leaving them to gather dust and spiders in the cupboard before they inevitably fall on top of you while you’re searching for the Christmas decorations, bruising your toes and dashing any hopes you may have had of ever becoming a functioning human:

The Indoor Flameless Marshmallow Roaster

Now you don’t have to dress up in a Girl Guide’s uniform and pretend to be twelve to get your toasted marshmallow fix. Complete with four stainless steel toasting forks, this convenient appliance is great for dinner parties, weddings, and quick weeknight meals (if you happen to be mentally ill). Endlessly useful, The Indoor Flameless Marshmallow Roaster could be yours for 3 easy payments of just $39.95. PLUS the first 500,000 orders get a free zebra-print Snuggie!

The All-in-one Omelette and Waffle Maker

Well finally, I hear you saying. Neither can we believe it’s taken them this long to create an appliance that simultaneously makes waffles and omelettes – but calm yourselves, people – it’s here now, so you can finally be happy.

Never had a waffle omelette before? You clearly haven’t lived. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, you name it – there is no eating occasion that can’t be improved by a delicious waffle omelette. Serving suggestion: sandwich the omelette between two waffles, add bacon, slather in maple syrup and wash it all down with half a pint of bourbon and a cigarette.

The Tabletop Fairy Floss Maker

Described as spinning “carnival-worthy” fairy floss in your own home, this appliance is dishwasher safe and comes complete with a sugar measuring scoop.

A handy investment for parents who have a hard time making sure their fussy children eat enough sugar.

The Flavored Popcorn Maker

Corn = good. Popcorn = better. Flavoured popcorn = …all right, I guess?

Designed to make up to 10 cups of popcorn in 5 minutes, this baby will fill that popcorn-shaped void in your soul faster than you can say “Wouldn’t a toasted sandwich maker have been a more sensible purchase?”

Topping suggestions include hot sauce, caramel, cinnamon, and grated cheese. Minutes of fun!

The Caramel Apple Maker

Tired of the “hassle and mess” of melting caramel on the stovetop? We hear you. Now instead of setting fire to your entire house due to your complete and utter ineptitude, you can buy this Caramel Apple Maker instead.

The divided tray rotates around the melting pot, and the warming setting will keep your caramel at the perfect consistency for dipping. Plus it comes with a free child*!

The 14,450 Gumball Machine

Standing at a statuesque 215cm, this giant gumball machine is just like a normal gumball machine, except enormous. As the name suggests, it holds over 14,450 gumballs, which can be easily refilled by removing the top of the globe and backing a cement mixer full of gumballs up to it**.  And it’s a steal at only US$3,900!

So next time you find yourself looking around your kitchen and thinking: “There really aren’t enough 14,450 gumball dispensers in here,” you now know who to call. (A: Your case worker).

* Free child is via redemption. One free child per person, per purchase. Terms and conditions apply, see in-store for details.

** Gumball-filled cement mixer not included.